The Conspiracy, Part I
This Being the Secret History of Tonto Savalas
Part I: Being an Overview of the Conspiracy
As of this date, the world does not know what I am about to tell you, but it is true. Believe me. The music of the bands known as 'Tonto Savalas' and 'The Buddha All-Stars' is not just music. It is the sonic equivalent of a drug and an attempt at mind control. This may be too bold a statement to make before you, dear reader, have digested the proofs I will present below, but I tell you this; this so-called music is a diabolical, mad plan to take over the world!
This story begins with a man we will call S. I could give you what i know of the history of this man, Which I will illuminate in the section entitled 'S. and M. The Whip comes Down'. For now, let us be satisfied that S. dabbled in the occult, eastern mysticism, underground science and many other, darker areas of intellectual study that are not meant for the mind of mortal man. I cannot say what his goals were during this formative period, but I assure you that as of this moment, he is bent on nothing less that total domination of Mother Earth.
Toward this end, he (and his gang of disciples) has developed methods of playing, recording and producing music that serve his nefarious purposes. As of yet, i have not divined the theory or methods he uses, nor any way to counterract the terrible effect this 'music' has on the minds of it's unsuspecting listeners. There are ways to mitigate it's effects, however, and I will list them in the section titled 'Combatting the Buddha'.
For now, let me divulge to you the the hellish effects of the music made by S. and his cohorts in crime. First, they act on the mind in the same way that many drugs do. The music fires certain neurons in the brain and blocks certain other receptors. The physical and emotional effects are not random, but vary from song to song, and especially in earlier recordings can vary from person to person. No doubt this variation is a consequence of S. perfecting his maleific methods. In the section entitled 'Cracking the Tonto Code' I will ennumerate the various effects each individial musical piece has upon it's hapless listener. Second, these songs have ability to influence the listener, putting him or her into a light auto-hypnotic state. The listener's mind is left wide open to the insidious subliminal suggestions contained within the warped words of these terrible tunes.
But S. is more fiendish yet than you realize, dear reader. Consider the very names of the bands under which this 'music' is made. 'Tonto Savalas'. Tonto, the faithful side-kick savage side-kick of a true american hero, the Lone Ranger. Savalas, obviously referring to the lollipopping detective of '70's television, Telly Savalas. These images of kitsch are meant to draw in the youth of this nation, with their insatiable quest to find the 'cool' and the 'hip'. The cyclic nature of trends guarantees the revival of all cultural icons and S. has plotted out the timeline of this phenomenon. My own investigation into the matter has determined that the year 2006 (we will discuss the importance of the number 2006 in the section entitles 'Buddha Numerology') will be the year in which these two cultural icons will again return to prominence. This coincide precisely with the true beginning of his push for world domination.
'Buddha All-Stars' is even more insidious yet. S.'s studies in eastern philosophy and world religions have given him the perfect symbol to draw in the masses of the world. The Buddha. Smiling? Happy? Yes, but this Buddha is not a teacher, nor does he offer enlightment. He is an evil unlike any this earth has seen since the narrowly avoided incidents in Roswell, NM. He offers only enslavement. Chains in the form of headphones. All-Stars. This had me puzzled until late one night when I was again perusing that Masonic document known as The Constitution of the United States of America. All men are created equal. All-Stars. We All want to be Stars, and in Buddha, that ultimate ambition will be realized. Is there no end to the devious ways of S.?
I know that S. will learn of this document and the others that follow it. I have no doubt. As insurance against the day he comes to silence my voice and the others like me who fight against the impending evil, I have sent copies of the entire document to every major news service in the world and done my best to insure it's spread over the world wide web. As further precaution, several copies have been stored in different safety deposit boxes around the country. The code for the location of these boxes is contained within the writings of this very document. As you read this document and become an enlightened warrior, I will have gone into hiding. I cannot say where, lest I be tracked down by his agents. Fight the good fight.
-The Archivist
Part I: Being an Overview of the Conspiracy
As of this date, the world does not know what I am about to tell you, but it is true. Believe me. The music of the bands known as 'Tonto Savalas' and 'The Buddha All-Stars' is not just music. It is the sonic equivalent of a drug and an attempt at mind control. This may be too bold a statement to make before you, dear reader, have digested the proofs I will present below, but I tell you this; this so-called music is a diabolical, mad plan to take over the world!
This story begins with a man we will call S. I could give you what i know of the history of this man, Which I will illuminate in the section entitled 'S. and M. The Whip comes Down'. For now, let us be satisfied that S. dabbled in the occult, eastern mysticism, underground science and many other, darker areas of intellectual study that are not meant for the mind of mortal man. I cannot say what his goals were during this formative period, but I assure you that as of this moment, he is bent on nothing less that total domination of Mother Earth.
Toward this end, he (and his gang of disciples) has developed methods of playing, recording and producing music that serve his nefarious purposes. As of yet, i have not divined the theory or methods he uses, nor any way to counterract the terrible effect this 'music' has on the minds of it's unsuspecting listeners. There are ways to mitigate it's effects, however, and I will list them in the section titled 'Combatting the Buddha'.
For now, let me divulge to you the the hellish effects of the music made by S. and his cohorts in crime. First, they act on the mind in the same way that many drugs do. The music fires certain neurons in the brain and blocks certain other receptors. The physical and emotional effects are not random, but vary from song to song, and especially in earlier recordings can vary from person to person. No doubt this variation is a consequence of S. perfecting his maleific methods. In the section entitled 'Cracking the Tonto Code' I will ennumerate the various effects each individial musical piece has upon it's hapless listener. Second, these songs have ability to influence the listener, putting him or her into a light auto-hypnotic state. The listener's mind is left wide open to the insidious subliminal suggestions contained within the warped words of these terrible tunes.
But S. is more fiendish yet than you realize, dear reader. Consider the very names of the bands under which this 'music' is made. 'Tonto Savalas'. Tonto, the faithful side-kick savage side-kick of a true american hero, the Lone Ranger. Savalas, obviously referring to the lollipopping detective of '70's television, Telly Savalas. These images of kitsch are meant to draw in the youth of this nation, with their insatiable quest to find the 'cool' and the 'hip'. The cyclic nature of trends guarantees the revival of all cultural icons and S. has plotted out the timeline of this phenomenon. My own investigation into the matter has determined that the year 2006 (we will discuss the importance of the number 2006 in the section entitles 'Buddha Numerology') will be the year in which these two cultural icons will again return to prominence. This coincide precisely with the true beginning of his push for world domination.
'Buddha All-Stars' is even more insidious yet. S.'s studies in eastern philosophy and world religions have given him the perfect symbol to draw in the masses of the world. The Buddha. Smiling? Happy? Yes, but this Buddha is not a teacher, nor does he offer enlightment. He is an evil unlike any this earth has seen since the narrowly avoided incidents in Roswell, NM. He offers only enslavement. Chains in the form of headphones. All-Stars. This had me puzzled until late one night when I was again perusing that Masonic document known as The Constitution of the United States of America. All men are created equal. All-Stars. We All want to be Stars, and in Buddha, that ultimate ambition will be realized. Is there no end to the devious ways of S.?
I know that S. will learn of this document and the others that follow it. I have no doubt. As insurance against the day he comes to silence my voice and the others like me who fight against the impending evil, I have sent copies of the entire document to every major news service in the world and done my best to insure it's spread over the world wide web. As further precaution, several copies have been stored in different safety deposit boxes around the country. The code for the location of these boxes is contained within the writings of this very document. As you read this document and become an enlightened warrior, I will have gone into hiding. I cannot say where, lest I be tracked down by his agents. Fight the good fight.
-The Archivist
posted by TontoSavalas at 4:08 PM
3 Comments:
Is this for real? Come on, you expect me to believe this loony tripe? No way! But, it's kind of scary at the same time. I've listened to their music and lately, out of nowhere really, I've been feeling a strange attraction to monkeys. Am I under his spell? Oh no. The horror. The horror.
umm i was under the impression that these documents were destroyed...a i mean lost, who posted this socialist drivel, i will find you
Deep Man, DEEP!
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